To The Man Who First Loved Me

“First love, the love that clings to your heart forever, no matter how much pain it has caused, no matter how many tears have fallen, first love will never leave my soul”-Unknown

I’m still not sure why you ever you wanted to date me. At the time you seemed too good to be true, but you where in fact very true. I fell for you faster than I thought was possible. We were like little kids that had a crush on each other. We had the same classes and sat by each other. You playfully pushed me around like a boy would have done to his crush in kindergarten. It wasn’t too long till you started going to my basketball games and inviting me to hang out with your family.

Our relationship was perfect. We spent every awakening hour we had together. We where madly in love and it seemed like we where invincible. We loved each other so well. My favorite thing was when you where pin me down and kiss my face a million times. It would make me smile so much my face would be sore. That is a smile I haven’t seen in while, and I miss it. I felt so loved, like no one could ever love me as much as you did. Your family welcomed me and made me feel special. I was doing things with you and your family that my family never did. Soon my family life started to turn bad, but your parents supported me and took me in as their own. Words will never describe how thankful I was for them, especially your dad.

Soon I was all about materialistic things. We where in high school, how could I not be? I wanted our image to look a certain way, I told you to dress that way and get your hair cut this way. I think that was my biggest regret. I tried to change you. At the time you seemed great with it, even years into our relationship. I am so sorry. I realize now that I was wrong for trying to make you into someone you weren’t. I am sure that is where things started to mess up, but we made it throughout high school without any break ups and just one major fight. I figured if we could make it 4 years with high school drama, we could make it through college. I was wrong.

We went to different colleges and for some reason I felt you were going to find someone skinner, and prettier than me. I felt that pain for sometime before I decided to try to end our relationship, but still see you some weekends. Kind of like a friend with benefits, but without the title. It started out fine, until I found out about you and another girl. I still loved you and I didn’t want to let you go. It started to get weird when I would visit, but we never talked about it.

After we both failed out of college our first year, we weren’t heading in the right direction. You needed to move home and fine a job, while I moved to work at a Christian camp for the summer. It is safe to say that summer is when my entire life changed.

After working at camp I felt that our relationship wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted a Christ centered foundation for us, and we didn’t have that. I called you and told you how I felt, and you completely agreed. You told me you loved me so much and knew we could overcome anything together. We both agreed that after the summer was over we would start our walk with the Lord side by side, working on our relationship. Needless to say when the summer ended, so did we.

I came home and was so excited to share how the Lord worked in my life, but I soon found out that you didn’t care. You found someone else to love. I didn’t understand why at the time. I was heartbroken. I spent 5 years with you and in the blink of an eye you where gone. You expressed that you still wanted to be my friend because I knew you better than anyone. I declined and I hope you know now why I couldn’t be your friend. I couldn’t just stop loving you and trade kisses for awkward side hugs. My heart couldn’t take seeing you and not being with you. I’m sorry that we couldn’t work out a friendship.

I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong. I fell into the deepest depression. Even describing it wont measure up to the amount of pain I went through. I didn’t eat for a week, I cried all the time, and I didn’t even get out of bed. The worst part was waking up from a great dream and feeling happy until reality hit. I blamed myself, anything that was wrong with me, I blamed it all on myself. I soon started to dig a deep hole. I fell into drugs, alcohol, and even sex with random losers. There was even a time where I thought you ended our relationship because of my size, so I started to think about becoming bulimic. I was broken and needed help.

I decided to attend a discipleship program where I learn about the Bible and God. I figured if I focused on the heavenly things, the thought of you would eventually go away. It took that school, a counselor, and many breakdowns to understand what went wrong.

I said when we where in high school I started to change you, and that is where it started to go wrong. I was right. I tried to change the way you looked, the music you listened to, and even the friends you hung out with. After high school I tried to push you into Christianity. I now know that I was wrong. I bullied you and tried to turn you into someone that I wanted you to be. I am sorry. You stuck through it because you loved me. In the end you found someone who loved you for you, and I don’t blame you for taking advantage of that opportunity.

I don’t feel sad that we broke up because now I see how poisonous our relationship was. I am thankful for the good times. We learned so much from each other in 5 years. The only sadness I have now is knowing that I will never know if someone will ever love me as much as you did. I have to remind myself that I am beautiful and someday a man will see my true beauty.

It has been over a year since I have talked, seen, or contacted you. I hope that you are happy and you are doing something amazing with your life. I do think about what I would do if I ever saw you again, I still don’t have an answer. In the future if we ever run into each other I hope we are able to be mature and remember the good times we had, all of the smiles and giggles. That is what I will remember. I do have pictures of us put away so that I am able to tell my kids about my first love. So this letter is to you. It is to remind you of everything, and to share with you my side of our story. I cut you out of my life so fast that I never got to explain and apologize. Without the pain, I wouldn’t be where I am at now. I pray that you are doing great and your life is better. I am thankful for the time I got to spend with you. I wouldn’t change anything. I hope you know how sorry I am for everything. I wish you the best. I love you and always will.

Sincerely, Your first love

“And if, in some distant place in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy, and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love.” –Nicholas Sparks


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